Another of Thich Nat Hahn’s Five Relationship Mantras

A simple mantra on the face of it and yet as we will see, it can spring out of a very cloudy medium. If we focus, or are mindful, we can manifest happiness.

My ability to be happy that you are here is completely dependent on my ability to be happy with the fact that I am here.

And so you look at your current relationship and ask yourself why you are not happy sometimes with the other person. First, look at yourself. Are you happy within yourself, with yourself? If you are happy with yourself, self-loving, then you can probably feel love, compassion, empathy, happiness, etc. about another. Any other? Well probably many others but sometimes the shoe fits better with one other than most and that is what we strive for but still there can be unhappiness.

Jill’s mother was very critical of her all the time. She purchased a new refrigerator and her mom said the brand was unreliable. Every time Jill made a choice or decision about her life, her mother had something negative to say. Sometimes it could even be as trite as her disgust over the color of Jill’s socks. Jill was very enraged as her mother was relentless. In her meditation practice Jill began to focus on this issue and soon was able to calm down the anger inside and reassure that part of her that was making independent choices and decisions that she was actually doing fine. And when she made mistakes, she tried to learn from them. She also recognized that she was projecting some of her mother’s critical nature on to Jack, her boyfriend.

He usually reacted by criticizing her angrily in return. This loop began to subside as Jill’s inner journey strengthened her self-love and self-reliance. Jill’s practice helped her to feel whole and when she was with Jack, he picked this up. He wasn’t retaliating because she wasn’t aggressive with her criticisms any more. And he was normally a good-natured soul. Jack reflects and confirms the goodness Jill has achieved through her practice. Thanks to her practice, Jill is truly able to tell Jack that she is very happy that he is there and feels a warm, loving sensation in her heart for him and for herself.



Aaron Roy Spungin Ph.D

psychotherapist, social worker