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TRUST IN THE TIME OF KORONA

Currently, it seems the world is crying out for trust. People have lost trust in some of the basics. They fear for their rights and for their freedom. Governments have threatened democratic values and authoritarianism is thriving. We cannot trust that the next person, possibly a close friend or family member, won’t infect us with a life-threatening virus. Many do not know where their income will be coming from or when they will work again. Our trust is being tested every day.

A client recently shared with me that he could not begin working with me because “How can I prove that I am trustworthy?” I asked him. I know he is resisting the possibility of a therapeutic relationship with me because he lacks what Eric Erickson calls, ‘basic trust,’ or the foundation of human development. He has good reason not to trust anyone. His dad was always critical of him, cruel, and unloving. His home environment was entirely unpredictable. He stayed away as much as possible from home as an adolescent. Sam was too quiet and hidden.

“You may have to risk entering into a therapeutic relationship with me,” I told Sam. “I hope that we can learn to trust one another over time and that if I do fail you somehow or vice versa, that we can work it out together. I am bound to say the wrong thing, push you beyond your comfort zone, or misunderstand you sometimes. I, like all of us, am imperfect. We all have flaws and accepting those in ourselves and the other with compassion, allows us to talk things out and recognize the humanity in one another. Life isn’t black and white. There’s a full spectrum of color in between. Our ability to empathize and realize that that which triggers our mistrust and anger may not be the cause but it is the opportunity to be released from suffering” I explained to Sam. It may be our conditionings as in this client’s father’s behavior. He fears getting close to other men and doesn’t have any male friends. His relationship with woman does not last because he has a short temper and his self-esteem seems threatened. Our relationship, if positive, could change all that. But he says he doesn’t want to get into talking about his whole story again as he has been in and out of therapy with a host of people like me. Well there are some short-term methods for sure. But relationships can be healing inasmuch as they can be destructive. “So why not give it a try? I may not be right but how will we know unless we are here together now. At least let us discover the origin of dad’s cruelty. He wasn’t born that way and let’s see if we can, in your imagination, rehabilitate him or the ancestor(s) or event(s) which contributed to his lapse from being the loving being that we all are but which has been masked by some horrific ego conditioning. We can find compassion for your dad and he can find compassion for himself and his backing away from life and relationships”, I said to Sam.

We are here to grow and our most difficult issues are the key to our liberation from our inner suffering. We suffer from our own thoughts about ourselves yet we really don’t need to have or to think those thoughts if we embrace the challenge of being responsible for our thinking patterns. One way to liberate ourselves from our destructive thinking is not to resist this whirlpool of emotions and allow it to take you on an inward journey of self-discovery with a therapist by your side.

With love

Dr. Aaron Roy Spungin, Ph.D.